Birthday maddness

01/06/11

We set off nice and early on our mopeds to find a zip line center. To get there we had a map of dubious quality and our first attempts to get into the hills were thwarted and we returned to the main road. After some time we picked up signs and a side road up that mountain that would lead us to the zip line center. As the road was empty and the views spectacular I eased up the speed of the bike enjoying the cooling winds. After some time James took the lead on his moped and a soon as he turned the first corner and was out of my sight my bike died… I had run out of fuel and as the fuel gauge did not work there had been no warning. I tried beeping my horn to get James attention but he did not hear me. Coasting downhill I found somewhere to stop and wait as surly James would notices that I was not behind him.

Well after 5 minutes James was nearly at the zip line and he look behind him to make sure I would be taking the same turn as him. Unfortunately I was not there. Being unsure if UI had overtaken him he continued to the Zip line center but it was both closed and there was no Luke. Turning back he headed down the hill thinking the worse had happened and as I was not in sight he became more and more concerned. Eventually he found me and gave me a huge hug and then told me off for losing him. Now one may speculate that I had run out of fuel and not James as I was riding more erratically and faster…. Or I could have had less fuel to start with …Well we will never know!

Being in the middle of nowhere we were not too sure how easy it would be to fine fuel but most corner shops sold it by the whisky bottle so there was hope. James set off and successfully retuned some time later with his small water bottle full of fuel and the rest of it in his tank as they were not willing to give over the whiskey bottle. 500mls of fuel was better than nothing and my bike croaked back into life and we headed down the hill.

At the first shop we stopped and had a coke and thought about what we were going to do as the zip line center was closed. We had passed a quad bike center on the way up so we decided that splashing along a mud track would be an appropriate birthday activity for me. We were soon installed on quad bikes and haring around the track splashing though great plies of muddy warm water and in no time I was soaked to the skin and James was rather dirty. Having had the required adrenalin kick returned to the hotel for an afternoon nap.

Later that day we set off on the moped to Chwang for a night out. We ate at a lovely and deliciously expensive restaurant enjoying some of the finest food we have had in Asia. Oh to splash out with gay abandon if only we could do it every day! After dinner we ventured over to a bar before heading down to a lady boy cabaret show. The lip-synching acts were actually very funny and rather entertaining. The evening got better when they declared they needed some audience participation. James slunk low into his chair and of course happy met the eye of the passing act who was searching for a victim. James must have victim written on him as for some reason they chose him but after a quick elbow in the ribs… not that I needed encouragement I found myself on the stage. After some chatting and banter from the hostess where I did my best to give as good as I got I was taken backstage.

In the dressing rooms an umperlumper type person asked me to take my top off and then proceeded to kiss my chest with bright red lipstick. As I did not struggle… hoping they may dress me in some fabulous hot pants warn but the fabulously sexy dancers the umperlumper began to unbutton my shorts and then quick as a flash had her hands down my pants. No not easily embarrassed and not at all concerned about nudity even I found this a bit much and we moved on quickly.

Within a minute or so I was standing behind the stage curtains and the hostess’s glamorous assistant pass my shirt onto the stage which brought about a raucous response from the audience. Next I was one stage and the fabulous hostess was counting the kisses on my sucked in stomach. I of course was loving every moment of the attention and thinking thank goodness I had on decent underpants and not the ones with holes in the waist band… To a loud round of applause and a free drink (coke as opposed to rum and coke) I was back next to James who was exhilarated for me and relived that the attention was never fully directed to him.
After the show we caught the second act of another show before heading to a club where we danced the night away. Now one normally gets hot when dancing but in an open sided none AC club it felt like we were having some form of work out in the dark with flashing lights. Both of us became completely drenched in sweat in a matter of minutes as did all the other Farang. The locals of course did not ever have a bead of sweat on them. Thank god we did not have to try and attract the attention of suitors as I am not sure we would have succeeded!

At a suitably late hour of 2am we decided we had better leave. Knowing that the taxis run a price cartel we were not expecting the trip home to be cheap. Salvation/ insanity was calling as we found to moped taxis who were willing to take us back for a reasonable price. Now this was both salvation and insanity in equal parts. Cheep yes, exhilarating partially, safe certainly not as we both clung onto the driver/ each other during the 15 minute ride back to the hotel. We survived and agreed not to take a moped taxi again until time had dulled the memory and alcohol lubricated the senses.